One of my worries is how the surgeries and hospital stays are going to affect Sammy emotionally. Even though he shows little memory of it all, I've feared him remembering on some level and having nightmares about the experiences.

Today, he woke up from a short nap in hysterics. Now, he rarely cries, and here he was, sobbing for mama. I mean, wouldn't let go of me, screaming, "I want my mommy!" I was certain this was it - I didn't want to bring up the words hospital or doctor - I didn't want to put them in his head if they weren't there, but on some level, I was sure that's what was going on.

We got in the car to pick up our CSA share and he was still freaking out. I drove with one arm reaching back, and he held on to my finger with everything he had.

"Sammy?" I tried again. "Why are you sad? Why are you crying?"
I braced myself for the answer. Through sobs, I finally got a reply: "Because the park has too many kids in it and I can't play!"

I wanted to cry at the sheer simplicity and innocence of it, at the fact that it wasn't this huge lingering monster of his heart surgeries, but something truly traumatic to a 2 year old's psyche: dreams about not being able to go down the slide because there are too many kids playing in his way.