Slight change in plans. Well, a very potential slight change in plans. Okay, a very potential major change in plans.

No school for Sammy. I couldn't do it. I took him for a trial run on Thursday and had a complete meltdown. He's too small and I just don't want to leave him and I spent the whole time watching him and crying. Yes - the whole time. He did great until snacktime, playing with the kids, holding hands, rolling around on the mats, just being a little kid. I snuck off around a corner for a while, and when they came out for snack, all I could hear was him flipping out, "Mamamamama! I go! I go! Mama! ALL DONE! I GO! MAMAMAMA!" So I scooped him up and we went. I know that maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance, but I believe that anything that goes so strongly against a mother's instinct just can't be the right thing to do.

So... we're going the nanny route, with the "nanny" being a girl I've known since the teen center days. She was always a strong, mature young woman - and she's really grown into a bright, responsible, creative, interesting young adult. I loved spending time with her at the center, and I'm excited that she's going to be a part of our lives again in such an important role. When I brought him down to meet her after his nap yesterday, I asked him to say hi to her. Instead, he leaned over and wanted her to take him from me. A good sign, no?

I think she'll be good for Sammy, and I feel so much better knowing he'll be in a familiar setting each day. (Then if he freaks out, he'll at least be in a familiar place with his things.) It'll make the mornings easier because if he's still eating breakfast in his pjs when she shows up, so what? And really, I should be home in time for lunch. I can handle it - there for breakfast and hopefully lunch and just gone for a few hours between. Of course, my stomach still flips and I want to cry at the thought of it, but I know it'll get easier. I feel a thousand times better about this already.

And you know what I love the most about all of this? Before she left, she said to me, "You know I'll be sending you pictures of him all morning. I know how important that is to you." So insightful and caring! Yay!

We're just waiting on her school schedule and if everything jives, she'll be watching Sammy at our house while I'm at work. We're holding on to our place at the school for a few more days just to be certain, but I know in my heart I'm just not ready to leave him somewhere. I'm excited that Eli (hi Eli!) is excited to help us with Sammy, I'm grateful Jay's been so supportive while we figure out what's going to make me comfortable and I'm looking forward to watching Sammy interact with Eli over the next few weeks. I'm already planning regular playdates in the afternoons for the socialization we wanted him to get at school. I think this will be good for all of us. I hope.